


Periphery

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean's Losing It, Dreams vs. Reality, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hallucinations, Hints of Contemplating Suicide, Insomnia, Kinda Dark, M/M, Romance, Self-Sacrifice, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-29 10:23:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3892843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s right there in Dean’s periphery. Dean isn’t crazy. (He is.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Periphery

**Author's Note:**

> Soundtrack: Paradise Lost’s ‘Pray Nightfall.’ Because Debriel + Paradise Lost = the greatest thing ever.

_~I hold on tight for this mortal ride_

_Rest my head ‘til the mornings coming down on me~_

 

They say that time heals all wounds.

(They also say that love is never as strong and as deep as we believe it to be.)

(But Dean’s is, Dean’s has to be.)

Gabriel was here though, he’s real and now he’s only in Dean’s periphery. Gabriel has, or maybe it’s had, the power to do that, to be invisible at one moment and then smack dab right there the next. He also apparently had the power to make Dean fall hard enough, like his head smacking against concrete, stars dancing in front of him and then fizzling out and then finally he _saw_. He saw Gabriel and he was the only one who could. The archangel could be manipulating him, sure, but he was there for Dean to see.

(He didn’t even admit it to himself, but Gabriel was gone less than three seconds later.)

Dean’s rubbing his eyes and clenching his hands and jouncing his foot as if he’s restless. Too exhausted to think, too exhausted to sleep anymore. Not when Gabriel is there every time he opens his eyes and every time he blinks, not _right_ there in front of him but out of the corner of his eye, at the foot of his bed when Dean can swear that the darkness is breathing.

(He can hear it because the darkness breathes softer than him.)

(Or he can hear it because he doesn’t breathe anymore at all.)

Gabriel technically doesn’t breathe, at least Dean thinks, being an archangel and all. So it can’t be him.

Sam’s staring at him like Dean’s back from hell all over again, that same wary gaze that Dean hates with every fiber of his being. Gabriel’s always laughing in the background when Dean’s irritated, even when Dean can’t see him. Sam looks at him like he’s gone seriously mental when Dean turns around and tries to find him. He doesn’t know that Dean’s going insane, but instead of Gabriel making him that way he’s the one keeping him together.

It’s like Mystery Spot all over again, only Gabriel’s killing him emotionally this time instead of physically. But Dean has his broad smile and his gloating laugh...

(Oh please, god, let this be real.)

...and his piercing golden eyes boring holes into Dean when he wants something but he’s not a physical body and Dean can’t get close enough and Dean starts screaming inside his own head because he never had the chance and he never got to say sorry and he could scream it at this Gabriel until he’s blue in the face...

(But Sammy tells him he’s not real and how the hell Sam knows it’s Gabriel, Dean has no clue.)

...but it wouldn’t do any good.

_In my head this all is in my head this all is in my head this all is in my head this all is..._

_In my head._

There’s Gabriel standing in a field of daffodils and handing one out to Dean. There’s Dean stepping closer, really slowly so as not to spook Gabriel, but there’s fading around his edges and Dean stops abruptly. There’s Gabriel’s voice in his head sometimes, but most often it’s the image of him. Either Dean remembers him really well or Gabriel’s defied death and he’s real and maybe neither of them know that.

Or Dean just can’t accept death anymore.  

(He’s not real he’s not real he’s not real pull yourself together, Winchester.)

(But he doesn’t want to anymore.)

He’s being followed but he doesn’t care; there isn’t much he does care about anymore. Sam is the one screaming at him now, running after him because Dean starts running because Gabriel starts running. Dean could outrun him any day but Gabriel’s too fast now, seeming to jump ahead several feet when Dean concentrates on pushing himself through his own fatigue, losing track of the minutes. It’s just like Dean chasing around the thoughts in his head.

_Is it real?_

Dean wishes it were.

(It’s not.)

He stops after a while, when it’s dark and close to where Gabriel was standing by the water but he’s not there right now. He’ll be back though.

(He never lets Dean down.)

Dean opens his palm and there are the crushed petals of a dandelion there. White. White like the field Dean’s still standing in, one that not even he could outrun. White like the purity he wishes his love could have been. White like Sam’s sneakers, which are by his head and Dean smiles because Gabriel’s there too, hands in his pockets and not holding them out like Dean wants him to.

_You’re not ready to join me yet._

It’s Gabriel voice but it’s his own words. Words that twist and turn in his head and come out as shreds. Words that trip on Gabriel’s tongue and flow into Dean’s, words that he chokes on like every other word he tried to get out of him. Every word that wouldn’t have been enough for either of them.

(Dean wants to match his sacrifice. White. Blinding white. Like the light that Gabriel ripped out of him.)

_White enough to match your wings and in your eyes, my soul._

Dean’s not ready yet.

(Gabriel will always be waiting.)

**FIN**


End file.
